Big Turf Puffs

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

(For full embiggenation of the cartoon below, click on kneeling worker’s feet.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by My Ninth Grade Afro. (seriously)

This is the time of year when media outlets of all kinds are releasing their lists for 2018; most important news stories, best TV shows, movies, music, books, etc. For me, recapping 2018 would be like remembering the year one spent being held hostage by toddlers who regularly kick you between the legs and hit you in the face with a Supersoaker between episodes of running around the neighborhood stealing babies and setting fire to buildings. As for me, I’ve no desire to recount it, I’m just happy to be escaping it alive, which is more than many of my fellow citizens of Earth have managed. 

Will next year be better? One is tempted to say, “It certainly can’t get any worse,” but we know from merciless personal experience that this is not the case. It can most assuredly get worse and it likely will. 

Will any person, organization, or divine force rescue us from the preschool in which we are being held and return the neighborhood to a less selfish, childish and brutal place? Probably not. I wish I had better news.

No, I think it is up to us to overthrow the toddlers. We have to snatch the Supersoakers out of their tiny hands, swat them on their butts, and put them in time-out while the grownups sort things out and try to rebuild what these spoiled brats have destroyed. Easier said than done, of course.

And so, I will end 2018 with this prayer: Please, God, would you just this once come to Earth and protect us from our foolish choices by abolishing the Electoral College once and for all?

I don’t expect that to work any more than you do so while we’re “not holding our breath,” let’s take a peek at what Wayno packed in his cartoon lunchbox last week…

Speaking of afros (large Sunday comic above) this little dude has got a pretty nice blonde one started. 

Kids! Don’t try this at home; inhaling large quantities of helium can be fatal! Feel free, however, to try it with a real dog. They love that sort of thing.

In our current society, this kid is as useless as a Fox News Channel Special Report but in the near future, when everyone lives in an online virtual reality, never leaving their bed nor looking away from their device, this kid could become president or a Supreme Court justice. By being white and male and ignoring women and blacks, he’s already most of the way there. (Unless God answers the prayer in italics above, of course.)

Other ways in which CEOs like this one amuse themselves: using two-hundred times their share of natural resources while criticizing those living outside their gated communities for being too lazy to inherit wealth and power from their fathers.

Lots of people loved this cartoon because they find cats’ rude ingratitude for all we do for them endearing. 

I hope I live to see the day when delivery drones with clown wigs can hit people in the face with a cream pie when they answer their door.

Don’t forget to check in on Wayno’s weekly blog rundown of these cartoons. He always adds some fun asides and includes a bonus music track at the end of each post. In two days, he’ll be celebrating one year of his handling the weekday cartoons for Bizarro. Thanks for a job well done, amigo!

And thanks to you Jazz Pickles for stumbling through our imaginary pub crawl this week. If you want to toss me a holiday gift for making you smile all year, please consider doing so by donating to my son-in-law’s Indiegogo campaign. He’s an awesome guy and is working hard to make a good life for himself and my daughter through the wonders of beer!

Until my next post, be happy, be nice, be smart, & resist ignorance and fascism.

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