Home Groan

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

(If you’re wondering what the cartoon below might look like embiggenated, click the floor pie.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Holiday Gifts To Die For.

I’m all for urban gardening and if you live in an apartment building, your only option may be your roof. If you’ve ever tried to grow a garden on your rooftop you know that one of the biggest problems is flying deer eating your plants on Christmas Eve. Another is drone cameras spotting your plants and reporting you to the DEA. 

I’m happy to say that I successfully avoided both issues last year so the dish I made from our rooftop garden for Thanksgiving this year got everyone plenty relaxed and giggling up a storm.  I hope that if you celebrate (American) Thanksgiving, you had as enjoyable a dinner and day with friends and family as we did.

If, on the other hand, you’re the type who cannot ignore the moral issues that arise from the folklore surrounding “the first Thanksgiving,” I’m with you. I can spend the day enjoying food, family, and friends, but I don’t believe the sanitized stories we tell our school children about it (This cartoon is about as true as much of what we’ve taught in schools!) and take no pride in the way or reasons our European ancestors colonized the Western Hemisphere. But, our species has always been a violent and selfish one and if you’re going to spend time criticizing man’s inhumanity to man case by case, you’re not going to live long enough to complete the task. Might as well enjoy a meal.

Changing the subject to something less soul-crushing, let’s see what Wayno stuffed his turkey with this week…

I’m not what you’d call a “foodie” but I do eat food every day and prefer good food over bad.  I admit, though, that I’m a little disturbed by how many food-related TV shows and networks there are in the U.S., especially at a time when obesity is at an all-time high. But, whatever. I don’t run the world and I wouldn’t take the job if it was offered to me—at least not without the superpowers it would take to rein in the human race.

The first question the alien on the left asked: “If this goes well and we decide to frax, will that little dude on your cromjibo be watching the whole time or do you have a hood for it?”

It should go without saying by now but you should always practice safe fraxication.

(Also: don’t miss the appetizer the dude on the left is about to eat.)

This makes me wonder if anyone has ever gotten a tattoo of a sonogram image of their fetus. I’m fairly certain numerous people have and I know I could answer the question by googling it, but then I’d run the risk of accidentally seeing such a tattoo. I’ve already seen a number of black and white airbrush tattoos of people’s loved ones that I wish I could unsee.

I can’t stop comparing the size of that beer to what I assume is the size of his bladder. (I say that as a person who seems to routinely create four times as much urine as the beer I’ve drunk.)



Check Wayno’s weekly cartoon blog to be certain, but I’ve no doubt he did not know that this cartoon published on Boris Karloff’s birthday. When you’re writing and publishing a joke a day, lots of fun coincidences like this happen. Karloff would’ve been 131 years old on this day and would likely need to be jumpstarted to get him out of bed each morning. I suppose that’s what those bolts are for.

 I don’t mean to poop on anyone’s medical treatment preferences, but research has shown that placebos work just as well as actual voodoo dolls. And good luck getting your insurance provider to pay for it.

That’s all for this week, Jazz Pickles. We hope that you’ll help support our efforts by snagging some holiday gifts at a big discount for your friends, family, and enemies at our shop or one of the other links below! 

Until my next post, be happy, be nice, be smart, & resist ignorance and fascism.

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