By Jeremy Meltingtallow

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I used to play baseball in school and enjoyed it but I’m not a big fan of watching it live or on TV. I know thousands of you are baseball fans and I’m not trying to offend you, but for me, watching baseball is like watching people play Monopoly. There just isn’t enough action to keep my attention.  A couple of sports writers  independently clocked the amount of time that the ball is actually in play in the average game and it came to 8 to 12 minutes. Most games today last around three hours. That just isn’t enough to warrant the investment of my time. I suspect that some people are baseball fans precisely because it is so slow. Doing nothing for a few hours can be very therapeutic––no sarcasm intended.

I have to admit that I feel pretty much the same way about soccer. Though the play is constant, not nearly enough happens other than watching players jog around a field. Even if it was as exciting as a demolition derby, however, I still wouldn’t watch until the players stop diving and writhing in “pain” every time someone passes closely enough to them to cause a breeze. In my favorite sport, ice hockey, they regularly penalize players for falling more dramatically than they should. Even if it is subtle. If pro soccer did this, all of the players on both teams would be thrown out of the game at the end of the first ten minutes. If you don’t believe me, watch five minutes of a pro soccer game. It’s almost professional wrestling at this point.

Sorry if I have offended fans of these sports, I don’t mean to. Just explaining why I’m not into them.