Velvet Rope Baby Manual

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

Bizarro is brought to you today by Things You Should Not Do at the Mall.

Good day to you, Jazz Pickles, how is your hangover? Mine is rocking my cranium like Bandfinger in 1978, after all of the wild and wuzzy celebrations for the 27th anniversary of Bizarro yesterday. Man, I was up well past midnight just boogying down and keeping it real. Today, it is still so real that I can’t get it to leave the kitchen. I’m not even sure what it is.

As much fun as that shit was, though, I’ve moved on to the first day of my 28th year with renewed energy! (Imagine me taking a deep breath right now, a cleansing breath, then an exhale of contented determination to make this coming year of Bizarro the BEST YET! If it helps, imagine me as the movie star of your choice with a tight T-shirt or sweater.)

The cartoon above is a bit conceptual, but hey, Bizarro Jazz Pickles are nothing if not up for a challenge. You know those godawful nightclubs that are so trendy that all of the people who want to be in there at one time cannot possibly fit, so they have to have some overfed, lumpy shmuck outside who chooses who gets to go in? Well, Club Awesome is one of those clubs and the line is an evolutionary chart of social worthiness. Where do you fall on the timeline? I imagine myself somewhere between the hillbilly and the cave man.

For those of you keeping score at home, I never go to clubs like this, unless it is to set fire to them. (Note to law enforcement officials: this is a humor site and my readers know I am kidding. I have not committed a felony in my entire life and have no intention of doing so, nor inciting others to.)

I’ll see you JPs later. Stay crunchy, my friends.