Pluto, redux

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

Pluto’s in the news again, because it may be reinstated as a full-fledged planet again. That’s great with me, nostalgia-wise. On the other hand, my fear is that the whole thing’s gonna be decided democratically; if enough people WANT Pluto to be a planet, then it’s a planet.


I’m speaking from experience, here; I was raised in the Age of Relativism. Most of my teachers’ mantras were themes and variations on, “nothing is either ‘better or worse’…everything is relative”. So, my generation, and those since, think EVERYTHING’S relative. Two plus two equals whatever I feel as though it should equal, so I should get an “A” in math. No nation’s government is really better or worse; thinking that is judgmental (the single most terrible thing to be, in 21st Century America). American students rank near the bottom in every academic category EXCEPT “how well they THINK they’re doing” academically.

The one thing students apparently DON’T think is relative? Grades. Just try giving one a “D,” and telling him or her, “no grade is really ‘better, or worse; everything is relative”…

And, how would I vote in the Pluto election? I say let’s make EVERYTHING OUT THERE a planet, so nothing feels left out. I got the idea from the system we use to hand out diplomas.