December 26th, 2013

Thaumaturgical Portents

by Wayno & Piraro

Bizarro is brought to you today by Miracles.

When I awoke this morning, I experienced a Christmas miracle. Everything was completely covered in several feet of snow. In Greenland. Here in LA, it is nearly 70 degrees. Miraculous!

But the miracle wasn’t over. I went downstairs to my living room and saw there, under the holiday folding chair, all of the things the Antichrist (my dog, Jemima) had destroyed over the last few months, completely restored and in perfectly new condition. A couple pairs of shoes, a pair of headphones, several socks, most of the grass in the backyard, a couple of coffee table books, my TV remote, two sofa pillows, all laid out neatly and in pristine form. Jemima herself had also been transformed. She now had the I.Q. of an Ivy League graduate and was sitting quietly at the kitchen table doing my taxes. If anyone should ever tell you there is no Santa Claus, you send them to my house.

BYGONE BIZARRO: For you fans of religious tradition, here’s a mash-up from 2009 that I trust you will find enlightening. Whoever you are, whatever you believe, and for whatever reason you’re reading this right now, I hope your holiday will be so jubilantly ecstatic that those around you will fear you have gone insane and summon the authorities.