October 4th, 2013

Push

by Wayno & Piraro

Bizarro is brought to you today by Early Helmet.

If you enjoy watching people squirt things from their bodies, this sport is for you. My good friend and colleague, Dan McConnell, conceived of this cartoon during a visit to the alternate-world of hallucinations in which he spends most of his time these days. (A word to the wise, discount LSD is not always a good thing. You get what you pay for.) In McC’s exciting, inner world, men give birth instead of women and they’ve made a sport of it. Of course they did. That’s what we men do, even in McC’s catawampus world. For more about McC, check out his Front-of-your-head-book page.

I hasten to add that it has been observed many times that if men got pregnant, there would be more abortion clinics than Starbucks.

PALEOBIZARRO: Here’s another thing that men are good at; starting projects and never finishing them. I once made the colossal mistake of living in my house while my kitchen was being completely torn out and redone. It joins the list of things I will never do again, just above eating a homeless person’s shoes and right below shoving a live badger into my mouth. If you should ever find yourself dealing with a contractor, follow these simple translation guidelines to understand him better:

Contractor says: I can do it for x amount of money.   Means: Double or triple his estimate.

Contractor: It will take x amount of time.   Means: Triple or quadruple the time he quotes.

Contractor: I just finished a job so I can begin next Monday.   Means: A team of guys who don’t speak English will tear this up on Monday, then we’ll be back in a month to see what we’ve done.

And so on.