Snooze Knowledge

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

bz panel 09-16-13bz strip 09-16-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Dreams.

I had a dream once that I had spent over 75 years studying dreams and had become the world’s leading authority on the subject. All this by the age of 24. It was a dream, so don’t try to make sense of the math.

In the dream, the most important thing I had discovered is that everything that various people––from Freud to the Everly Brothers––is completely wrong. Here is a guide to what dreams actually mean. The thing at left is what you dreamed about, the thing at right is what it means.

Mustache(s)…You are feeling vulnerable about your upper lip.

Children (if you have children)…You wish your children would shut the hell up for one damn minute so you could relax for once.

Children (if you do not have children)…You are a witch and you are hungry.

Shoes, clothing, hats, etc…You need more fiber in your diet.

Teeth…Your dentist is in trouble. Call the police.

Wild Bill Hickock…You have a fear of being shot in the back, or there is someone in your life you’d love to shoot in the back.

Snakes…There is a snake in your bed. A literal snake, not the Freudian kind.

Sex with someone you know…The person you sleep with is having sex with you in your sleep.

Sex with a stranger…Your current lover is not strange enough.

Money…You are feeling guilty about not supporting this blog by putting money in the Tip Jar (right margin of this post).

That pretty much covers the important dream symbols; anything else you dream about is just your mind’s way of confusing you with meaningless details. I hope this guide gives you some insight into your own subconscious and puts you on a path to better living.

bz 11-10-00 auto salvageWEBBIZARRO BOOMERANG: I wrote this cartoon from 13 years ago as the result of a dream I had. It was about a guy named Terry who was obsessed with saving plastic to-go containers. It wasn’t a funny dream so I changed Terry’s name to Carl, changed the to-go containers to old cars, and changed the meaning of the word “save.” See how simple that was?