Dating for Dummies

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

bz panel 04-27-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Horrors of Show Business.

Here is a joke with multiple possible meanings. If I had left the bottom caption off, it might mean that the dummy is actually flirting with the woman himself, in some surreal, alter-reality. Which leads one to wonder how things might have gone if they’d gotten amorous. The word “wood” comes to mind.

I chose to include the bottom caption because I think it is funnier to imagine a ventriloquist pretending to be passed out while his dummy hits on a woman. (In a euphemistic sense, this happens in bars all over the world every night––a man is “passed out” drunk but his “dummy” continues to hit on women.)

This interpretation leads to interesting questions, too. Let’s say she agrees to give them a ride home. How does she get both the man and the dummy to her car? Let’s say that somehow she does; what’s the ventriloquist’s next move? Does he “come to” in the car and start charming her, or does he continue to let the dummy do the work? “I hope you’ll excuse my friend. He’s been under a lot of stress lately what with the enormous financial empire he controls and all of the women who are constantly after him. And his pockets are full of chocolate.” (Women like money, guys whom other women find sexy, and chocolate.)

My own technique is much more passive than this one. I stand quietly off to the side for hours until a woman who finds quiet guys interesting decides to talk to me. If I find her attractive, I attempt to be funny. (Women like humor.) If I don’t find her attractive, I hold one of my eyes open too wide and let a teaspoon of drool slither down my chin as I giggle like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. (Women do not like drool or men who make guttural noises.) This method has worked pretty well for me over the years and it is how I snagged my current Special Lady Friend. No ventriloquism necessary.

As I typed this, I could not help but wonder if there are women out there somewhere who are attracted to ventriloquists purely because they may possess a certain manual dexterity that might provide them with delights they had not formerly experienced. Hmm.