Honey Jailbird

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

Bizarro is brought to you today by The End of Civilization.

I like a train wreck as well as the next guy but I’ve not seen this Honey Boo Boo that has become so popular on American TV, and I hope to spare myself that particular pleasure for the rest of my life. For those of you who’ve never heard of her or her show, she’s an obese 8-year-old from a hillbilly family whose mother got her involved in those “beauty pageants” for children. She was (or is) a part of a cable show about those whorish events for pedophiles called Toddlers & Tiaras. Because she and her mother are so unabashedly horrendous in so many ways, she got her own show called, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Of course she did, because that’s how things work now. If you’re an extraordinarily disgusting person and willing to display your skills in front of a camera, you can have a reality show. (Not all reality shows are about disgusting people, but many are.) I think of it as the modern, American version of the habit of ancient Romans of throwing live prisoners (not just Christians) to hungry lions and other dangerous beasts as a crowd watched. Enough people enjoy this kind of thing to score big ratings today, just as they did then. We haven’t changed as much as we’d like to believe.

I should mention that I do not blame the child for being horrendous; she has had no other role model since birth so she has no real choice. And, to add injury to insult, she has been fed a steady diet of garbage since birth so her metabolism is likely ruined for life. As the saying goes, “There are no bad dogs, only bad owners.” (Although I prefer the term “guardian” when referring to pets.)

It will be interesting to see how completely her mother has ruined her life when she is of age to leave home and is unleashed upon the world. With very little effort, she can out-Lindsay-Lohan even Lindsay Lohan. She may even find herself in the same position as the characters in this cartoon, which is most certainly where her mother belongs for ever getting her into that life.

Just my two cents, of course.