Terror Cell

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

Bizarro was made possible today by Tough Customers.

Have you ever been to jail? I have not and confess that it is my greatest fear. Being incarcerated for even a few hours would drive me absolutely bat-shit crazy, which is likely why I can’t stand to see any animal of any kind in a cage of any kind unless it is only temporary transport to the vet or whatever.

This fear is entirely about loss of freedom and doesn’t begin to touch on the other difficulties of the process, like the rotten social life one is faced with in jail. I can’t say with absolute certainty because I’ve never been there, but I’ve heard that jails house some difficult personality types who can prove to be less than delightful to spend time with. Generally speaking, I don’t enjoy people of that type and strongly suspect they would make my stay even less tolerable.

So if I’m ever arrested, I would appreciate it if all of my Jazz Pickles would band together to overthrow the country, thus effecting my immediately release and the formation of a new constitution, one that does not include a law against whatever it was that I was arrested for. I know it is a lot to ask, but you’re my only hope.