Bug Therapy

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

Bizarro is brought to you today by Logical Possibilities.

I’m not a germaphobe per se, but I never touch my face when I’m out in public and wash my hands as soon as I get home. This is entirely because I don’t want to pick up a cold or flu or whatever. I’m happy to report that I get sick less than just about anyone I know. I haven’t had more than one cold or stomach disorder every couple of years, for a decade or so. And none of the illnesses I get last more than a day, most only 12 hours or so.

Part of it is that I work at home and don’t spend most of every day around other humans, the way people with more traditional jobs do. Also, I  think I just have a strong immune system. Could be the veganism and yoga, could also be the copious amounts of scotch, cigars, and pot. Who knows? I’m just glad it works.

In addition to my pure and admirable lifestyle, another big piece of the puzzle is that when I was born (late 18th century), germs and bacteria hadn’t yet been discovered. Consequently, my parents didn’t raise me in a bubble of disinfectant and anti-bacterial soap the way children are now. I played outside every day, wallowed in mud, filth, and animal carcasses, swapped spit with my friends and got sick when they did. This parenting practice, I believe, leads either to early mortality or one hell of an immune system. Luckily, I fell into the latter category. In the not-too-distant future, I predict an overpopulated country of very sick American adults.

Hope you’re feeling well today, Jazz Pickles.