Dopey Pen Abe Coal Armor Bug

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

Bizarro is brought to you today by How To Build Your Own Sexless Dwarf.

Hello, Jazz Pickles, and welcome to this week’s cartoon round-up. My first cartoon today is a fun little twist on Lance Armstrong’s recent travails. For those who do not recognize that name, he won an unprecedented 7 Tour de Frances (a real hard bicycle race that lasts for days and days). Being the first person to ever come close to such a feat, and having done this after defeating testicular cancer, he was perhaps the biggest hero in sports history. Turns out he was doping in a wide variety of ways, officials inside whatever the international bike racing organization is called knew about it and not only turned a blind eye, but helped him. Wow. Just like that, Armstrong is now the Hitler of sports. Humans can be smarmy. By the way, this bit of fun fun word play was in collaboration with my good friend and The King of Wordplay, Cliff Harris.







Here’s a cartoon based on the “Django Unchained” movie that came out recently. I’ve not seen it but that didn’t stop me from lampooning it.






I placed this cartoon on Lincoln’s birthday. Before you historians out there start haranguing me for inaccuracies, I  know that Lincoln did not set up chairs for his Gettysburg address. In fact, he descended in a hot air balloon from which he was campaigning and just shouted at people down below who were gathered on the roof of the local general store.










I wrote this snowman cartoon based on my actual experience with teeth whiteners. If you use them too much, your teeth disappear. Try it, it’s creepy cool. Crystal meth also works.






And this cartoon, which appeared on Valentine’s Day, is also from personal experience. I’ve been divorced twice and am no longer interested in the institution of marriage. I’m fine with relationships, by the way, and am happily in a dandy one at the moment, but there will be no more marriage in my future.  Cupid’s arrow is actually supposed to just make you fall in love and I’m not against that, but I bent the rules a little for this cartoon. Last year’s was even more dour. When I told my SpecialLadyFriend I’d done a Valentine’s Day cartoon, she immediately said, “It’s not as depressing as last year’s, is it?” The answer is “no, but almost.” See it here.






And I wrap up this week’s hullabaloo with this cartoon about Roach Motels. This cartoon was the result of a conversation with my manager, Jeff Topper. He’s a sweet guy but sure is stuck on those reward points.



This weekend we’re shooting the pilot of my (hopefully) upcoming TV show. Keep your fingers crossed that I manage to come off as charming and witty on screen as I am in my own head.