Bizarro Baby Naming Guide 2013

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

I thought I’d wish all of you Jazz Pickles a prosperous new year with this deadly funny message from someecards. I love that site.

It occurs to me that congratulations are certainly in order for Kim Kardashian now that she is pregnant. Once she reaches about 8 1/2 months of gestation, her baby bump will be sufficiently large enough to balance her out, allowing her to walk fully upright for the first time since she was a small child. Although she may look as though she is carrying triplets: one in front, two in back.

For those of you out there who are also breeders and are expecting some crotch fruit soon, I thought it might be nice to suggest some creative names for your consideration. Why go with “Jackson” or “Sophia” when you can go with something truly unusual? Accordingly, here is a list of first names that I collected for you while watching football over the holidays.

1. Damiere…This one is nice but keep in mind that it sounds a bit like “derrière,” so your kid may be teased by French children.

2. Darqueze…The beauty of this one is that it doesn’t sound like any other word.

3. De’Ante…If this one isn’t obscure enough for you, try De’Uncle.

4. Demarco…I see now that putting “de” or “da” in front of almost any name makes it sound better. For a touch of the newfangled mixed with tradition, choose De’Steve or Da’Phillip.

5. Demario…Excellent for fans of classic video games.

6. Demaryius…This one has a nice Roman emperor flavor.

7. Devonte…Akin to adding “de” to the beginning of any name, this one proves that you can dress up any name by adding “te” to the end. Think what it could do for drab names like “Jim” and “Rick.” Get creative!

8. Dujuan…This may be the Spanish version of “Duane,” I’m not sure.

9. Faton…This one depends on the pronunciation. Long “a”? Short “a”? Emphasis on the first syllable or the second? You decide.

10. Ja’Juan…This one also brings up pronunciation questions. Do you pronounce both “j”s as in “Jerry,” or do you pronounce both as in “Juan”? If you use one of each, which goes where?

11. Jadeveon…I have no idea how to pronounce this. It could be a good name for a new brand of jade-colored bottled water, though.

12. Jelani…This one works anywhere but Italy, where it may be too close to “gelati” and people might think you named your kid after ice cream.

13. Jessamen…Lovely name but the downside here is that people will just shorten it to “Jesse.” BORING.

14. Ka’deem…This name would be pronounced the same with or without the apostrophe, but why not go for some accessorizing?

15. Kadetrix…If you’re as big of a fan of the names of pharmaceuticals as I am, this one is a real winner.

16. Kedric…It’s like “Cedric” but if you pronounce the “c” wrong.

17. Kenarious…I also like names that sound like adjectives. “Tie that load down, it looks kenarious.”

18. Le’veon…Translated literally, this means: The Veon.

19. Lerentee…If you like the letter “e,” you pretty much can’t go wrong here.

20. Loucheiz…I don’t know how this one is pronounced but I’d go for the classic French: “lu-shaze”. But “lau-cheese” might work, too.

21. Marcedes…I like this because it reminds me of a car from Mars.

22. Marquise…This is also the name of a particular kind of ring setting. “Bezel” is another ring setting type that might make a good name.

23. Omarius…Another name with a hint of Roman Emperor to it. If you name your baby this and it grows up to rule an empire, you’ll know you did the right thing.

24. Quayvon…Here’s a good one for the child of physicists. When the quayvon is finally discovered, it will change everything we know about the universe.

25. Rantavious…Not only does this sound like an emperor, but a cranky one. Go for it.

26. Stepfan…Can’t decide between “Stephan” and “Stefan”? This is perfect.

27. Taariq…This name seems to have extra letters where it needs none and a few missing ones, too. Maybe you’d rather go phonetic with this one: Tareek.

28. Tavarres…All I know about this name is that it means more than one tavarre. I’m not sure what a tavarre is.

29. Vintavious…Maybe the best of the emperor-style names because it brings to mind absolute power and also wine.

30. Zoltan…A terrific name if your child is from outer space.

I hope this brief list has given you some good ideas for naming your home biology project. If you have any wonderful baby name ideas or have named your children creatively, feel free to leave them in the comments. (The names, not the children.)

And have a smash-bang jazztown hootenanny ’13, Jazz Pickles!