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By Jeremy Meltingtallow

(To see this cartoon as big as the star over the nativity scene, click the ball on Santa’s hat.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Christmas Kidnapping.

The bizarre and convoluted imagery of modern-day Christmas has fascinated me since I was old enough to notice it. (Sometime in my teens.) I’ve since learned that there are many and various ancient myths and holidays that were incorporated into it over the centuries, including the virgin birth (the birth of heroes to virgins, often with some kind of god as the father, are common in many pre-Christian mythologies), the king born of poverty (another common mythological element and likely the reason that to this day, Americans like to vote for a “down home” candidate for president, the sort you’d want to “have a beer with”), the Christmas tree, (a pagan symbol of the winter solstice), and Santa Claus (derived from the pre-Christian, Germanic god, Odin, who flew through the skies giving gifts at Yule [Dec 25] on an eight-legged horse, later morphed into eight reindeer.) Anyway, for the past couple of Christmases, I’ve had some fun combining modern elements of the holiday with the original nativity scene of Christian mythology. Here’s last year’s, in case you’ve forgotten.

To demonstrate that I am an equal-opportunity lampooner, here’s another favorite Xmas gag from a few years back, making fun of my own kind.

At a Xmas comedy show a few years back, I sang some “atheist Christmas carols” by taking standards and changing the words to reflect an atheist’s views. Here’s a sample of one sung to the tune of “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing:”

Hark! the herald mythological creatures sing, glory to the newborn average baby. Peace on earth and mercy mild, no one and everyone reconciled.

I got very few laughs, but I thought it was funny. It is my opinion that humans are so naturally superstitious that even most non-believers feel nervous about laughing at irreverent religious humor. I’ve noticed this time and time again with audiences when doing these kinds of jokes in my stand-up act; I can actually see many people doing their best to stifle a smile. It is completely understandable, though––early childhood indoctrination is a very difficult thing to overcome; it certainly was for me. It’s hard not to think, but what if there really is a god? I certainly don’t want to piss him off. I’m happy to report, however, that not a single venue I’ve performed in has been hit by lightening or plague. At least not while I was still there. 

To finish out this post, let’s catch you up on the week. Here are the ‘toons that ran in papers in the past few days.











Hope you all have a Jazz Pickle holiday season, whatever the hell that is. Best wishes for whatever you’re celebrating for whatever reason!


P.S. If you missed the announcement about my upcoming TV show, check out my previous post. Here’s the direct link!