App Monster Stooge Car Caveman

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

Bizarro is brought to you today by Abstract Motors.

My life is getting exponentially busier lately and I barely have time to post. In fact, I don’t have time today but I am crowbarring it into my schedule like John Goodman into a pair of Spankx.

Here are the cartoons I’ve published since I last posted. This first one is about an app that my iPhone came with. It runs whenever I’m not using it and reminds me each time I take it out of my pocket how empty life is. (sigh)

When I was a kid, I liked to put together monster models and paint them. I had Wolfman, Creature from the Black Lagoon, Phantom of the Opera, Frankenstein‘s monster, Dracula, and some others I can’t remember now.  I’d still have them, except that each 4th of July my siblings and cousins and I were each given a big bag of explosives and told to go play outside. We subsequently blew up all of our toys. Things were different then. There was no such thing as a bike helmet and playgrounds were made of asphalt.

There’s a 3 Stooges movie out so I made this cartoon. I did not see the movie, but I am guessing it has some slapstick in it. I liked The 3 Stooges when I was a kid but do not currently like them well enough to see the movie. Maybe later on DVD.

Our next offering today is a fairly predictable gag but I’ve not seen it anywhere. It’s always fun to create anything the way Picasso might have, so it was fun to draw. The original idea came from my known associate, Wayno, who lives in Pittsburgh. Apparently, he was inspired by an actual business called Picasso Auto Body outside of Pittsburgh. I suspect they don’t do this to cars but if they did and the result was still drivable and street legal, I might give them a try. See the actual storefront and his original sketch in Wayno’s cleverly-titled blog post about our collaboration.

As we now know, Neanderthals were not actually an early version of us, but another limb on our evolutionary tree. We may, in fact, have driven them to extinction. It seems humans have always innately despised anyone different from their own kind. In modern times, we still apply this impulse to all kinds of creatures when we rationalize cruelty to people of other races or religions, foreigners, homosexuals, non-human animals, etc. My theory is that this kind of behavior stemmed from the obvious evolutionary benefit of being suspicious towards people not from our own tribe. These days, however, that same they’re-not-like-us view leads to war, bigotry, torture, slavery, factory farm techniques, you name it. Next time you find yourself thinking this way, remind yourself you’re not a caveman. Unless you are.

But back to the cartoon, neanderthals were definitely favorite customers of primitive barbers because they were so much hairier and could thus be charged more. In fact, anthropologists have found incontrovertible evidence that neanderthals were kept as slaves by barber schools and used for training new students. Some escaped and continued to breed and their descendants can occasionally be spotted on a beach.

More invaluable history stuff can be found in my latest book, Bizarro Heroes. Buy it now!