Basketball Forecast Model Complaint

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

(To see this cartoon way big, click any monster.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Sexy Monster.

My first cartoon today is a scene from a movie I hope to make one day. In this scenario, monsters are as real as anyone else and do boring things like play basketball at the local playground court. The characters will be fully developed and multidimensional, the dialogue will be rife with clever banter and heart-rending emotion. No one gets eaten, nobody changes into anything, and there is no blood or violence of any kind. It will fail miserably at the box office and I’ll never be allowed to make another film. (Sigh.)

But the film will show up on various cable channels and you may choose to watch it late at night because nothing else is on. You can even TiVo it, like the sad victim of this next cartoon, whose roommate is insensitive and ruins the plot of today’s weather. Poor couch man.

If you should actually TiVo my monster movie, at least you could watch it without having to endure the commercials. That would be important, because the movie itself will be plenty for any one person to endure.

I got the idea for this next cartoon from a print ad that I saw in a magazine that looked something like this. A “sexy” dude lounging near a bottle of cologne looking simultaneously bored and angry, presumably because he is so “hot” and “awesome” that he has seen and done it all and now everything in life bores him, which just makes him mad. Why do you want to buy this cologne? Because he looks like he smells really good, I guess. Or perhaps you just want to look bored and angry and this cologne will help you do that.

Is the disgruntled character in this clock repair shop wearing this cologne? He looks a little angry but not at all bored. Probably not wearing it. If he did wear it, would he be “hot” and “awesome”? Probably not.  If he were “hot” and “awesome” would he care that his hourglass is not functioning properly? Certainly not. For when you have seen and done it all, you don’t care what time it is. You are just waiting to be amazed and that day never comes. Death is the only mystery left to you.

I hope today’s cartoons and narrative have been both amusing and informative. If not, maybe you can salvage your day by purchasing some cologne and going to a movie wherein people turn into monsters and kill each other. Whatever the case, remember that you are a Jazz Pickle and comport yourself with all of the dignity and aplomb that this implies.

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Purchase this cologne if you want to smell like a vagina.