Year-End Silver Lining

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

Dear Bizarro Jazz Pickles,

This is my final post of 2011,  and I sincerely wish for a better year to come. My 2011 was fairly wretched in many important ways as my beloved CHNW and I split up. I’m happy to be in Southern California now (here are 70 reasons why) but miss my wife terribly. Not your problem or concern, of course, but I like to keep a personal perspective on my blog. Hope you don’t mind the sentimentality.

But let us not dwell on the negative. Here is my year-end list of GOOD things that happened in 2011:

Neither of my daughters, Krapuzar and Krelspeth, were arrested for shoplifting.

I was not detained indefinitely without counsel by my own government, though apparently they actually have that right. Is this still America? Fox News says yes, NPR says no.

When a thoughtless jackass ran a stop sign and totaled my classic motorcycle in August, neither my wife nor I were killed or maimed for life.

My parents did not die in a warehouse fire and are still healthy and happy.

I did not lose any limbs to attack dogs or wild animals.

I did not send any money to the widow of a Kenyan millionaire.

Not once did I find myself in the presence of Rick Perry or any cast member of Jersey Shore.

Though I spent more than a month of 2011 in Los Angeles, my teeth are still the color of actual human teeth and I do not have breast implants.

Though I spent more than 10 months in New York City, I was not pushed in front of an oncoming subway train.

Newt Gingrich’s head did not get stuck in my bathroom window.

I did not have a role in the next Academy Award-winning movie, only to be cut out of the final version.

I was not locked in a room and forced to listen to hip-hop.

I am not suffering from erectile dysfunction, though it now looks as though it will be a good long time before anyone other than myself cares at all.

I hope your year was as full of silver linings as mine was. Let’s all just take a few moments right now to be thankful for the horrible things that did not happen to us. (silence, please)

I sincerely look forward to a better 2012 for all of us Earthlings.

One last THANKS to Wayno for his guest cartoonist appearance this week. It helped me to free up some much-needed time to make my way across the country. Visit his blog early and often for dynamic prose about our collaborations and much much more!