Holiday High Jinks

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

Nowadays, virtually everyone knows that Christopher Columbus was not a hero, but a despot of the first order. Here’s what I was taught in public school verses the truth:

1. Columbus was trying to prove the world was round. TRUTH: In CC’s day, Europeans knew the world was round, the debate was how big around it was. Some thought it was very large, which was correct, others thought it was quite small and you could get to Asia more quickly by sailing west. CC was in the wrong camp.

2. Columbus discovered America. TRUTH: Setting aside the fact that you cannot “discover” a land that is already inhabited, CC never set foot on the continent, nor did he ever suspect it existed. He landed on islands in the Caribbean and thought he was in India. All of his subsequent trips were confined to these islands.

2a: Okay, so he discovered American for the Europeans. TRUTH: The vikings did that hundreds of years earlier, they just didn’t steal it from the people who already lived there.

3. Columbus was a decent human being. TRUTH: Even by the dubious standards of his day, CC was a cruel and inhumane monster.  These days, everyone compares everyone they don’t like to Hitler, but Columbus was really good at being just like him, even before he was born. He murdered and tortured the indigenous people of the Caribbean in an attempt to get them to show him where the gold was. He and his men beat babies to death, fed children to dogs, cut off limbs, hung, burned, raped, and skinned alive innumerable people in his attempt to attain wealth. By the time he was finished, he had killed an estimated 3 to 8 million people.Hitler-enough for you?

4. Italians love this guy. TRUTH: Sadly, that is quite often the case and as an Italian-American, it breaks my heart. There are so many Italians to hail as beneficial to life on earth, why pick an unmitigated bastard? Why have a national holiday based on this evil, greedy, murdering bag of cat vomit? We might as well be celebrating Mussolini. I understand why Italians latched onto him as a hero decades ago, but it’s time to admit our mistake and delete this holiday. Still want the day off? How about Robert De Niro Day? He has killed far fewer people, even if you count the ones he pretended to kill in the movies.

5. What does all of this have to do with socks? TRUTH: Your guess is as good as mine.