Pee, Pills, and Play

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Patriotmobile!

Today’s first offering is a timely cartoon about an enterprising young man who follows the sports world. But to be honest, I’m not sure how I feel about doping among professionals athletes.

I can understand the motivation to try to keep everyone on the up-an-up and free of performance-enhancing drugs but it clearly is not possible. So given that it has happened, is happening, and will continue, if adults want to risk damaging their own health in order to be better at their job, to have giant foreheads and muscles and shrunken genitalia, why should I care? The only damage I can see being done to society is that kids who look up to pro athletes and want to be like them might do the same thing without fully understanding the risk. But whose fault is that? Pro athletes do other things that are not recommended to children –– drive cars, have sex, drink alcohol, incur tremendous amounts of debt, dress like idiots –– but these activities are not regulated. And what exactly is a “performance enhancing drug”? Ibuprofen can alleviate pain and make an athlete perform better, but it isn’t illegal. I’m just saying it’s a gray area.

I think a case for could be made for allowing adults to do whatever they want (as long as they are not directly victimizing someone else) and let natural selection take its course. If they die young because of their own choices, so be it. But on the other hand, if all doping were legal, in order to compete with the vast numbers of dopers, all professional athletes would have to dope to compete, so there’s your victim.   But like I said, I’m not sure about it. Just thinking out loud. (Or whatever the typing version of that would be.)

I have no deep philosophy to impart about this next cartoon. I just thought the tiny doctor looked funny. I broke my nose pretty badly when I was 16 (it was smashed FLAT against my face) and it was my first experience with mind-altering substances. When the ER doc set it, they gave me something that made me high as a kite for hours but didn’t knock me out. It was the first and last time my parents paid for me to get high.

This last cartoon has nothing to do with anything. Just a fun visual of a crash test dummy child about to crash a toy car into a toy brick wall. Nothing like this has ever happened to me, even while I was high.

You say you want to be able to find your favorite Bizarro cartoon on some kind of swell product? Now you can!