Job Jr. (as in the Bible guy)

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

Bizarro is brought to you today by Suppy.

Today marks the sixth day since anyone at Casa Bizarro has experienced personal injury or family tragedy! We’re celebrating our good fortune with a look back at the past 10 months!

December, 2010: My adorable wife, CHNW, was hit by a taxi cab after a holiday party. Not having received police, military or spy training, I didn’t  get the license plate number of the offending jackass. Instead, I made the rookie mistake of rushing to her side as she lay unconscious on the street. This led to many months of hassling with the Taxi and Limousine Commission of NYC, something I don’t recommend. Numerous visits to an attorney’s office later, somebody or other paid the medical bills. I think. (I’ll find out for sure next time someone checks my credit.)

June, 2011: CHNW’s father, one of my best friends and coolest guys ever, was accidentally rendered unconscious from an untreated infection. He thought he had a backache and a cold, what he had was Impending Death Syndrome. CHNW spent the next eight weeks sitting by his side in a hospital and then a rehab facility in Florida. When she wasn’t calling me panicked, sobbing, hysterical, and exhausted, she was watching him sleep, wondering where the doctor was, or pushing him around the halls in a wheelchair. Weeee! My favorite mini-episode in this dark drama was when she told me the nurses at the rehab center would wheel paralyzed patients out to the porch and light their cigarettes for them. You don’t get that kind of one-on-one attention in too many U.S. health facilities these days.

Meanwhile, 1700 miles away, CHNW’s mom was undergoing breast cancer surgery. No funny stories to relate there, but she’s recovering well.

Aug, 2011: My nephew got married in Tulsa and it was 113 degrees Fahrenheit. I can’t really call this a “personal tragedy” but I did have to get (sort of) dressed up and go to a church in the middle of the hottest afternoon of the year. If I had stayed for the entire Catholic mass, it might have qualified. (I sat in the back row, watched them come in, ducked out, came back for the vows and processional at the end.)

Sept, 2011: Bizarro headquarters survived an earthquake and a hurricane in the same week. Okay, nothing tragic happened, but we could have been crushed by falling bricks and girders or drowned in filthy sea water.

Sept, 2011: A nitwit in a minivan attempted to occupy the space my motorcycle had already claimed and both CHNW and I were treated to an ambulance ride to a hospital. A few days later we had to go back because of an infection. Both visits gave me a new understanding of the legal term, “pain and suffering.” I want a) my bike and the medical bills paid for, and b) $400 million for the aggravation and inconvenience caused by having to come in contact with our insanely corrupt American health care industry. I’m guessing I won’t get that second thing.

But since last weekend, everything has been peachy, which is why I’m in such a great mood today! The sun is shining, the windows are open, my cigar is crackling (I buy cheap cigars with Rice Krispy fillers added), and the foreseeable future looks bright!*

Hope your weekend is grand and groovy, too!

*No one can foresee the future.