Humor in Disguise

(To view the above cartoon larger, click on Hitler’s mustache.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Power of Eye Wear.

Imagine living in a world like Clark Kent’s, in which disguising oneself was as easy as putting on a pair of glasses. A person could commit a heinous crime, buy a pair of $10 reading glasses at a drugstore and never again even have to look over their shoulder. Want to commit another crime? Just take off your glasses, then put them on again after you’re done. No need for those pesky pantyhose masks or stuffy balaclavas.

“It couldn’t have been any of those men in the lineup, officer. The bank robber wasn’t wearing glasses.”

As it is, humans are so good at recognizing each other’s faces that we have to go to great lengths if we want to disguise ourselves. Which is something that always drives me nuts when I’m watching a movie wherein the hero (usually a good-looking male) has been wrongly accused of a crime against the state and the country’s entire law-enforcement armada is after them – CIA, FBI, police, highway patrol, local Boy Scout troops – and they don’t even bother to comb their hair differently. If it were me, I’d shave my head, grow a beard, wear baggy, discarded clothing, smear dirt on my face, and walk like a hunchback. But not Harrison Ford or Colin Farrell. They just saunter down the street with their awesome haircuts and tailored shirts that show off their massive chest and shoulders.The only thing that lets you know they are wanted by every law-abiding citizen in the country is their constant furtive glances from side to side.

As long as I’m whining about my fantasy movie problems, allow me to comment on the apparent cranial bullet-proof nature of star power. I’m a fan of cop dramas, and in virtually every one of them there is a scene which involves a massive raid on the ghetto apartment of some very dicey characters with automatic weapons. As the battalion of SWAT dudes storms the building, everyone is wearing full riot gear. Except the handsome star. He enters with nothing to protect his skull other than his awesome haircut and rugged facial features. Oh, to be that invulnerable to flying lead and swinging two-by-f0urs.

It took us ten years to find bin Laden and that was way too long. But be thankful; if we were living in a Clark Kent World, he’d be walking the streets of Washington D.C. in a pair of Ray-Bans without fear of reproach.