I Was Raptured

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

BIZARRO is brought to you today by Signs of the Times.

I meant to blog yesterday, but I couldn’t find the Internet connections here in Heaven until this morning. Yes, I was raptured on Saturday night, as predicted by Christian loose-cannon, Harold Camping. I know I posted Sunday saying I wasn’t but truth be told, I prepared that blog post on Saturday morning and scheduled it to be posted at midnight because I was going out of town for the weekend. I had no idea how far out of town I would end up.

I’ve heard from other folks up here that almost no one else was raptured on Saturday night and that most of you back on Earth think the whole thing was a joke. Wow. I can fully understand your point of view but all I can say is that things aren’t always as they appear. What follows is what happened to me.

On Saturday morning, I rode my motorcycle up to Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary, where CHNW was already waiting and a big group of our friends were gathering for a big birthday party that night. The party was fun: big bonfire, lots of food, music, beer, karaoke, the usual accoutrements. I was not keeping track of the time but at some point that evening, just after dark, I was suddenly whisked up into the sky. Shocked and bewildered, I found myself standing in a brightly lit area of indefinable space. I say I was standing, but it was more like effortlessly floating in place. I was naked, but I didn’t mind because my body was incredibly awesome, like Matthew McConaughey’s but without the pompous, arrogant head on top. Gathered around me were Adam and Eve (also naked and they looked GREAT for their age. Eve is a BABE!), Noah, Moses, Jesus,  Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, Superman, Batman and all of my favorite super heroes from childhood, and Gazoo from The Flintstones. Notably absent were any of my dead friends or relatives and anyone from Harold Camping’s posse.

My first question was, “Where’s God?” To which everyone answered in unison, “In your head, just like he always was.” I found this comforting.

Heaven has Internet and art supplies, of course (would it be Heaven without them?) so I’ll be able to keep publishing cartoons and posting blogs about them. I hope you’ll tune in often to see what I’m up to.

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