Sports Schmuck

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

Bizarro is brought to you by Sports Fans.

Here is the fourth in Wayno’s guest cartoonist week. I particularly love this gag and it’s expository dialogue. I’m a sports fan but I’ve always been aware of the fact that all I’m really rooting for is a logo. The guys on the teams I support don’t necessarily come from or give a rat’s turd about the city where they play. The fact that the New York Jets are better in a given season than some other team means nothing about the city itself, yet I rejoice because it is MY city! Where I HAPPEN to live! All the guys on my team are my favorites until they move to another team, which then makes them SCUM! When one of my favorite teams wins a championship, I rejoice as though I had something to do with it. All 5 foot 8 inches, 140 lbs of my 53-year-old self.

I’m not one to wear sports clothing, but if any of you out there would like to know what to get me for my birthday (let’s pretend it’s today!), I would like an authentic Chicago Blackhawks hockey jersey. I just love they way they look. (I also like the team, but WOW, what cool jerseys they have: the Indian head, the bright red, the stripes. Very old school.) When I see a schlub on the street wearing a jersey from a particular player, I’m always tempted to say, “Hey, Sanchez. You look so much younger and taller on TV.” But I don’t, because I hate talking to strangers and they rarely get my jokes.

All of this, of course, harkens back to our violent nature as humans, especially we male ones. Testosterone is a wicked and powerful drug and we’re rabid with it. It is an unavoidable fact that human males are driven to conquer and dominate, hence the misery we have historically heaped on virtually everything we have come in contact with, from each other to women and children to animals and the very planet itself. One reason I unabashedly enjoy sports is that it is a harmless way to exercise these tendencies without leaving behind a wake of corpses and destruction. In my own life I am a vegan pacifist––in my sports-fan life, I enjoy the violent sports the most: football, rugby, hockey. I don’t kid myself into thinking that sports mean anything; as soon as the game is over I forget about the result. In this way, I like to think I’m using my testosterone for good and not evil since I’m not one to punish my wife or pets if my team loses.

Thanks again to Wayno for using his talents to give me a week off. Check out his blog on a regular basis, he’s a funny and interesting guy.

Here’s this whole month’s Bizarro cartoons available on lovely products of all kinds!