Pooh Cooties

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Circle of Life.

Pigs are natural comedians. If they weren’t so huge and ugly they would be house pets instead of food. For this and many other reasons I don’t eat pigs, but I do enjoy their comedy. I also enjoy the comedy of my good friend and colleague, Wayno, who is not a pig by all accounts. This gag was his idea and here is what he has to say about it.

I’ll soon be visiting Wayno and his lovely wife, Esmeraldine at their home in Pittsburgh where I’ll be doing a comedy show. More details on that later; I hope to see all of you in the Northeast at the show. Mention this blog when you buy your tickets and get an invisible souvenir of the show imagined by me personally.

It is high time that a blog of international prominence discuss the subject of “cooties.” Since I am not in touch with anyone running such a blog, I will use this one instead.

Cooties is a term used by children to connote an ambiguous and insidious disease one can get by getting too close to members of the opposite sex. It is highly contagious and there is no known cure. Once infected, the victim can experience anything from mild discomfort and the derision of his/her peers, to the “willies” in more extreme cases. After the initial reaction, lasting no more than a few minutes to a few days, the disease remains dormant in the host until puberty, when symptoms become extremely acute and cause the sufferer to be inexplicably attracted to the very carriers of the disease. This leads to frustration, loneliness, dating, sex, marriage, children, divorce, and a host of other excruciating symptoms. There is no known cure.

While folk remedies and homemade vaccines have been popular for decades there is no evidence that they do anything to prevent this lifelong ailment. A small portion of the general population, devout homosexuals, are immune.

The word “cooties” is thought to come from “kutu,” which in the languages of Polynesia, the Philippines and Malaysia, translates to “lice.” If only actual cooties were as easy to get rid of.

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