Kids, Hooves, Death

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

Bizarro is made possible today by Baby’s First Bar.

I used to have children but now I have adults and I find them far more convenient. I don’t have to worry about them sitting in the car alone when I go into bars, they don’t ask me “are we there yet” as I weave my way home in the car, and they’re not underfoot every time I run to the bathroom to vomit the next morning. But they were cute in pictures and that was kind of fun. Mostly because pictures don’t talk incessantly and you can leave them home alone without fear of getting a visit from Child Protective Services.

This idea about the AreWeThereYet.com web site came from my good friend and stand-up comedian/cartoonist, Michael Capozzola. He’s performing his one-man show this Thursday, March 24, on Haight Street in San Francisco and you should check it out if you’re in the area. The show is funny so you don’t have to worry about sobbing uncontrollably in public and the proceeds go to save the Red Vic Movie House, a local icon of all things San Franciscoey. For more info, check this out, suckers!

Now enjoy the native Americans who did not pay their utility bill and had their service cut off, thus rendering them unable to hear the thundering hooves of approaching riders on horseback. I’ve tried this trick in Brooklyn but there is too much traffic to hear hooves.

As long as you’re in an enjoyable mood, enjoy the madcap shenanigans of the hearse driver who has two deaths to contend with. On a related note, my Sicilian grandfather was a hearse driver in the early 1900s when he met my grandmother. His job was primarily to go to people’s houses and pick up the recently deceased. Of course, in those days people used to display their dearly-departed family members in their home for a couple of days before sending for the Big Car. Ah, the good ole days.

Want to display your taste in humor on a fine product? Click these links… AreWeThereYetIndiansHearse