Oscar Wrap Up

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

I rarely post on a Monday because my cartoons that were due at the end of the previous week are really really due by the following Monday and I rarely get them finished before end of day Tuesday. So Monday’s are busy for me.

But I couldn’t resist commenting on last night’s Acting Statue Show. It’s a big night for CHNW and I as we dress for the occasion in giant ego suits and sit on piles of money while watching the show. Our festivities always begin with the pre-Oscar shows, starting at 7am with live coverage of the red carpet crew digging the thing out of storage and loading it onto a truck. This year, the foreman was dressed in a tan, jumpsuit/coverall hybrid by Dockers. It was elegantly understated and just right for the occasion. His second-in-command also wore a pair of coveralls but with the top half off the shoulders and tied around the waste, revealing a white, ribbed tank top which, for this reviewer, was a bit too revealing for a man of his girth.

The red carpet show itself was an orgasm in grandeur, as always. Scarlett Johansson arrived wearing a pretty purple dress but the real story was how cool she is to let mentally disturbed children do her hair. I’m sure it made them feel great about themselves and also highlighted that she isn’t stuck up about her appearance. Kudos to Ms. Johansson; if only more Hollywood goddesses thought more of the less fortunate.

Colin Firth showed up with a really gorgeous woman which either means he isn’t gay, as I sort of thought he was, or, like many gays, he likes to go around with glamorous women. The guy who invented The Facebook and made a movie about it got a late start and showed up with is hair still wet from the shower.

A momentary panic broke out when Warren Beatty and Annette Benning got out of their limousine and were mistaken for mummies returned to life. Neither have undergone major plastic surgery, making them look normal for their age and thus, totally inappropriate in the setting. I felt sorry for them, of course, as did the crowd which was respectfully silent as they struggled down the path to the theater.

Regarding the awards, my favorite categories are always Sound Mixing and Sound Editing. I don’t have any idea what the difference between them is or why they are even still part of the televised program instead of the Secret Awards Presentation the night before, but the winners were happy to be there and read off lists of random names presumably from a phone book. It is important to remember that without these brave individuals, we’d have to read at the movies like in the old days.

Best Picture went to “The King’s Speech,” which is about the King of England who couldn’t talk without stammering. As Jimmy Kimmel pointed out later in the evening, this movie could just as well have been about George W. Bush, except that he was never cured. I saw that movie and liked it, but I would have given the award to “The Big Lebowski”. It was much funnier than “The King’s Speech,” which really only had the one joke about the king stuttering all the time, and I don’t believe in laughing at people with disabilities.

I hope you enjoyed the Oscars as much as my beloved CHNW and I did. Thank god they didn’t hire a comedian to host the show, who might have hurt the feelings of one or more of the most important people in our lives.

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