February 27th, 2011
by Wayno & Piraro
Bizarro is brought to you today by Interracial Cooperation.
We don’t have bedbugs at our house but to listen to the news tell it, we’re just about the only ones. I ignore the news these days because the world is too depressing to pay attention to, but I’ve not been able to ignore all the talk about bedbugs. I’ve not listened to any full reports about them or read a single article, but based on the few things I’ve overheard while ignoring the news, this is what I know:
1. Bedbugs won’t kill you, they’re just an uncomfortable nuisance.
2. You can come into contact with them at hotels, movie theaters, waiting rooms, anywhere that they might be hiding in upholstery or fabric.
3. The are not easy to get rid of.
I’ve never seen a bedbug, but they sound very similar to evangelical Christians.
Here is a simple, inexpensive way to test for bedbugs. Before you touch the bed in a hotel or sit on an upholstered couch in a waiting room, set fire to it. If after the fire is out there are hundreds of dead bugs among the charred remains, it had bedbugs. You’ve just dodged a bullet.
I drew this log cabin cartoon cartoon because I like to draw logs. I have no theory about why that is and this stands as one of the very few things left in life about which I have no theory. By the way, if you’re a complete cement-headed nitwit, you might not know that this is not how one actually constructs a log cabin. The real way is to stack logs straight up in four, perpendicular vertical planes which create a rectangular empty space in the middle. That’s the joke here in case you missed it.
Believing in the powers of psychics does not make you as stupid as the person who built the log cabin above, but you may be on your way. Here’s some wisdom you can take to your grave: humans are naturally programmed to spot patterns and create explanations, which is why we’re so superstitious. Your brain is evolutionarily programmed to arrange ambiguous events (and statements by charlatans) into truths about life. Believing in anything, no matter how preposterous, is easier for the human brain than believing in nothing. Once you understand this simple concept, it explains pretty much everything.
Now that you know both the secret to detecting bedbugs and the secret of life in general, use it to make your weekend wonderful. This has been fun.
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