Love, actuarially

By Jeremy Meltingtallow

Bizarro is brought to you today by Options.

Thanks for the comments on the new blog yesterday. A couple of people have made suggestions, I’d like to bounce them off of the general readership and find out what the consensus is.

1. Do you like it when links open up in the same window or a new window? Old blog was same window, this blog is new window. I can make it either way.

2. Do you think the type is too small on this blog? One reader asked for it to be enlarged. (Although I think you can enlarge the image on your screen on your own computer. (On my Mac, “command”, “+” will do it.)

Now that that is out of the way, the cartoon above ran on Valentine’s Day last week. I didn’t have something about cupid or chocolates, so I ran this fairly jaded view of long-term relations. It’s always a challenge to keep sex fresh and exciting beyond the 500th time together. Those of you in long relationships know what I mean, you youngsters are probably upset and confused right now. To clear things up, find your age range on the list below and read comments directed specifically to you.

Ages 50 to 70: Forget it. If you’re getting it on anything resembling a regular basis, be grateful.

Ages 30 to 50: Try outfits and role playing. If you’re too out of shape to pull off a sexy outfit, try total darkness or blindfolds.

Ages 16 to 30: Yes, I know it seems impossible to imagine that sex will ever be less than “awesome,” even with the same person year after year, but just wait. The future is dark, my friend.

Ages 12 to 16: Sex is a confusing, scary, dirty activity that is best left to lower species. Put it off as long as is biologically possible.

Ages 0 to 12: Forget you ever read this post, it really shouldn’t concern you. Go outside and play and leave the Interwebs to the deviants who fill it with this kind of smutty content.

And now for a non-smutty Bizarro from days gone by. I meant to post this cartoon around the time of the Super Bowl but forgot (faulty memory being just one of the many drawbacks of being an old deviant) so here it is now. It’s as much about science as football, which one cannot say about many cartoons these days.

Gotta run. I’m on my way to Caligula’s Outpost to buy some new costumes.

If you hanker for many wonderful products with these cartoons on them, click here.