May 13th, 2019

MONDAY MOCK NEWS: ARMY SERGEANT SADDENED THAT IT’S EVERYONE’S DAY OFF; HAS NO ONE TO YELL AT

by Tea

MONDAY MOCK NEWS: ARMY SERGEANT SADDENED THAT IT’S EVERYONE’S DAY OFF; HAS NO ONE TO YELL AT

Yesterday was a very sad day at Camp Swampy — for one person, at least. Sgt. Orville Snorkel, known by his peers as “Sarge,” woke up to discover that it was everyone’s day off. This did not bode well for the tough-as-nails sergeant, as he claims he has no one to yell at in order to feel productive.

“My problem is I don’t know what to do with myself,” said Sarge. “I wish I had a hobby to fill up my free time.”  While he sat down looking out his window, the privates of Camp Swampy excitedly took off to enjoy their free day. “My favorite thing in the world is to sleep,” said Pvt. Beetle Bailey on his way out of the Camp, “but on a day like this, where Sarge doesn’t get any control over me and my comrades, I just had to get up and go to town and celebrate our small amount of (?) freedom!”

It is not certain where the privates are choosing to go today, other than to the nearby unnamed town. “Anything to get me away from Sarge’s yelling is good enough for me and the rest of my buddies,” said the private known as “Killer,” “and of course, nothing beats going to a local bar to pick up the ladies.”

The head of Camp Swampy, General Amos T. Halftrack, was unavailable for comment due to a golf tournament commitment.